Being Present is Enough

Part of my story that I still struggle to talk about is a severe mental breakdown I had in February 2022. It was one of the most traumatizing experiences I have been through. I won’t share all the details now, but I will tell you that it is absolutely terrifying to loose control of your own brain. I was having hallucinations that felt like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I didn’t know who I was or where I was what I was doing. I was scared and confused, and my mind was racing out of control. I just kept thinking that I wanted everything to slow down and stop. It’s nothing less than a miracle that God kept me safe because if I hadn’t gotten to the hospital when I did, I likely would have killed myself in my manic and unconscious state.

It was a long, slow recovery process. And I have realized that one of the hardest parts of the resulting bipolar diagnosis has been the new awareness of just how broken I am. I had known for many years that I struggle with depression and I was fully aware that it wasn’t healthy. But since the mania (for the most part) felt better than the depression, I hadn’t before realized that it was even there, much less how dysfunctional it was. Finally being diagnosed with bipolar has helped me better understand and care for myself, but it hasn’t been easy to realize that I am as mentally ill during my extreme highs as I am in my extreme lows.

All of that to say, when the story I am about to tell you took place, I was feeling very broken. It was only a couple months after my mental breakdown, and my mind was still racing and my emotions still very raw. I was at a women’s retreat with my church in Palm Coast, Florida. The whole weekend was deeply healing and encouraging, but this was by far the biggest highlight for me:

It was afternoon free-time, and a group of us went down to the beach. It was a beautiful afternoon, and the water was gorgeous, the sun was warm, and the cool sea breeze was refreshing. After we had walked up and down the beach for a while, the other ladies were all chatting together and basking in the sun. I walked down to shoreline for a quiet moment alone with God.

As I stood there on the edge of the sea, looking out at the vast ocean in front of me, I had such a yearning in my soul to find healing for all the broken places of my heart and mind. The endless waters stretched out in front of me made me feel small and fragile. But they also reminded me of the limitless depth of my Abba Daddy’s love for me. And as I felt the weight of my brokenness, I longed to be with Him in the depths where my fear and shame could be drowned by the kindness of His grace. “Oh Lord, help me!” I cried silently. “I want to be with You in the deep, but I don’t know how to get there.”

Then I turned to see a little boy on the beach a few feet behind me, holding two fistfuls of sand. He looked like he was probably heading towards his two older sisters who were playing nearby. As we locked eyes, there was a “caught red-handed” look of guilt all over his sweet little face. He froze, waiting to see what I would do.

I gave him a great big smile, and then reached down, and picked up my own handful of sand as I gave him a mischievous wink. His whole face lit up with pleasure, and in that moment, we became friends. No words were spoken, no words were necessary. He knew I was on his side and I was there to play with him.

But he didn’t know what I was going to do with that fistful of sand, and watched intently waiting to see what I would do next. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with my handful of sand either. But I knew that every little boy with a fistful of sand has the urge to throw it, so in that split-second moment, I decided to turn towards the ocean and fling that sand as high and as far as I could. The sand cascaded up into the air and then fell down to meet the lapping waves. My little friend squealed will utter delight and laughed with joy as he watched me throw my fistful of sand, and then proceeded to throw both his own fistfuls into the air in the same way.

Of course, now it was a game. So we continued flinging handfuls of sand at the ocean...smiling, laughing, and enjoying the sand and each other’s company.

But as I watched my new little friend play, I noticed that every time the waves came close to touching his feet he would give a small shriek of fear, and run away. I made eye contact and smiled at him warmly as I extended my hand to him. He smiled back, and confidently took hold of my hand. And the next time the waves came, they lapped over our feet and he squeezed my hand hard and gasped as his fear of the waves touching him suddenly melted into delight. Now, as long as he was holding my hand when the waves came close, he wasn’t afraid, and we continued intermittently flinging sand and enjoying the waves on our feet.

It was the most beautiful, pure, delightful interaction. Neither of us spoke a word the entire time. We didn’t need to. We understood each other perfectly and we were both deeply content to just be together, playing with each other, and enjoying the beautiful day.

And the Holy Spirit whispered to my longing soul: “Stephanie, the depth of My love for you has no end. It is as wide as the ocean, and as high as the heavens above. But it’s okay if you’re not in the deep with Me right now. I AM here with you on the shore, and more than anything I delight in being present with you. You don’t need to have the right words or any words at all. Just enjoy being in My Presence exactly where you are right now. And if the waves feel scary, it’s okay. Just hold My hand, I AM right here with you. We have all eternity to explore the depths. Right now, playing together in the sand is enough.”

I realized that God was right there with me in my brokenness, not somewhere far off in the deep waiting for me to have enough faith or healing to get to Him. He was not in a hurry for me to get better or be better, or do more or be more. All He wanted was to be with me, exactly where and how I was. All He’s ever wanted from any of us is relationship. He wants our presence. He wants our delight in simply being with Him.

And yes, He wants to heal us, renew us and deliver us. He has so much more for us than pain, sin and suffering. He wants to take us to depths of healing and freedom and abundant life that we can’t even begin to imagine. But the secret to getting there isn’t learning how to swim or how to walk on water. The secret is learning that we don’t have to figure out how to get there in order to be with Him, because He’s already with us. It’s putting our hand in His as we trust Him to gently lead us there, as we’re ready for greater and greater depths. So if you're struggling with any kind of hurt or woundedness, know that being present with your Abba Daddy is enough.